No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I puked a lego.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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