If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
