I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
