trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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