Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
