this just has baby written all over it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
