If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
