We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
