Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
