You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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