It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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