Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
