But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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