no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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