Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize