Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
