My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
