Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
