unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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