Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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