I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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