I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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