I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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