youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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