i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
