she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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