Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
