Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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