Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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