I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
