I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
