I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
