I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
