Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
