I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
