At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
