Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
