Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just gift wrapped bread.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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