before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
