Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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