I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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