when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
