Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
