dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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