Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
