Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
