I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
