before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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