Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize