she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
