But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
