You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
