Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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