Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hello my rib-scented angel!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
