We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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