apparently the secret to your success is patron
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize