I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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