Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
